Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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