Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
