If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
