i wish peter jackson would direct porn
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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