that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
