He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
