Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
