I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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