I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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