i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
