There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
