why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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