I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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