Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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