if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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