Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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