talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
