I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
