Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
