So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
