Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My vagina is officially offended.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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