i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
