I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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