I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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