Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
