did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
