Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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