i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize