just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
