Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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