i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
