I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
this is an emotional support booty call
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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