i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
