When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
