Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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