I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I can't turn off my feet"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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