i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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