I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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