My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
