Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
