i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
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