don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Randomize
