toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
What a dumb baby whore.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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