when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
