Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
