oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
