I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
