she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize