well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
sarcasm needs its own font
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize