If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
