I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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