tequila makes me forget i have legs
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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