I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
