Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
