Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
