Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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