Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
