Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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