I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
